Friday, February 15, 2013

What Would Marshtomp Do?

Shortly after midnight one night (or morning, if you’re the super-technical type…), I was looking around at third generation Pokémon stuff on Amazon. I’d recently had a reinvigorated interest in the game’s soundtrack, and went to look to see if it was viable to purchase in CD form (Answer: It’s really not. Way too expensive.)

I stumbled upon Pokémon Ruby’s Amazon page after noticing in a “Recommended for You” thing (likely given to me because I’d been on the page for the soundtrack) that the advertised price for a new copy of the game was over $1,000. Crud.
It turns out it was just the lowest of the featured merchants, but still.

As I was about to leave the page, I quickly flipped through the uploaded pictures out of curiosity, just to see what they were.

For a split-second, I saw this.

Amazon - What Would - Should Marshtomp Do

A normal single-battle with a Marshtomp. Looks fairly ordinary to you, right?

Well, that’s because you’re not me at 12:10 in the morning.

I read the primary text in my split-second glance as, “What would Marshtomp do?”

Now, this probably still seems harmless and all to you right now. That is, until I explain that I’m currently in a class on religion in America, and we had just discussed earlier that day the rise of the popular evangelical Christian phrase “What Would Jesus do?” in the early 1900s.

My mind substitutes in a sole Marshtomp, and I picture a world where many boys and girls, young and old, trying to work out their problems in their day-to-day lives, look up pensively, put their hands underneath their chin thoughtfully and ask themselves, “What would Marshtomp do?”

They begin to debate with each other. What was Marshtomp like? Gentle? Bold? Adamant? Mild?

But regardless, at the end of the day, they trust in the teachings of Marshtomp to be their guide for what is good and what is evil.

So, remember. The next time you have to make an ethical decision, ask yourself that simple question. What would Marshtomp do?

 

Dramatic Picnic Table - Marshtomp 5

 

Okay, scratch that. Seriously. Don’t.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

How did I not notice this before?


                So, I've been playing Pokemon Colosseum (I’m borrowing it from Jared). Anyway, I noticed something kind of odd. I've been playing Pokemon for about 13 years now and I just thought about this. Whenever you use the Pokemon center, Nurse Joy gladly heals your pokemon, and then says “We hope to see you again!” I just realized, Nurse Joy must find some kind of pleasure in watching me walk in with 5 out of 6 of my pokemon seriously injured with the last one paralyzed or poisoned. So next time you see this message,



Just remember, she is just healing your pokemon to watch you when you walk in to the pokemon center with that look of desperation on your face screaming “OH MY GOSH, I’M GONNA LOSE HALF MY MONEY!!!” Where does that money go anyway? My bet’s on Nurse Joy… I've got my eye on you…
               
            As a side note, Nurse Joy is not in Colosseum, but they still say the same thing, and that’s what reminded me of this.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

The Next Post Might Be About My Funeral

This weekend, one of my friends asked me to help him tear a carpet out of his basement. I told him that I needed to study, and I couldn’t go. Unfortunately, his mom also asked my mom if I could help and she told me that I had to. That decision may kill her only son…
There was three of us altogether working on this project. Let’s say their names are Kenan and Josh (the first names I could think of). It is Kenan’s house that needs the carpet ripped out. Josh is another friend that agreed to help.
Kenan called me on my way there and asked if I could buy some dust masks. So I stopped by Home Depot and bought some that looked exactly like this (on the packaging that is).
dust_mask
When I got to Kenan’s house, I opened the masks and realized that every single one had a hole in it. I already hated Home Depot, now I hate it even more! Those masks were like almost $3 total! (I would love to tell you the reason why I hate Home Depot, but It doesn’t really fit in with the story I am telling. Maybe later…)
Despite our lack of masks, we bravely ventured forth in our quest to rip out the carpet.
We actually ripped out the main carpet very quickly and with little injuries. We just got some dust in our lungs (CURSE YOU HOME DEPOT!), and Kenan stabbed himself with a hoe (the gardening kind).
Underneath the carpet was a thin layer of padding that did not look too formidable. But oh were we wrong…
The padding was glued to the concrete underneath and would barely come off. We tried using garden spades, snow shovels, multiple chemicals, a weed whacker, and even a flamethrower!
Okay…we didn’t actually use a flamethrower, because we couldn’t find one.
We were at this for a while, and we were getting nowhere, so Kenan decided to call Home Depot for advice (The same Home Depot that sold me faulty dust masks). They told him about something called “GOOF OFF”. It is an anti-adhesive that supposedly works on carpet padding. I wanted to call Lowe’s for a second opinion but Kenan just wanted to go to Home Depot and buy the crap, so we did.
Lesson of the day: always read the directions and warnings before you use new chemicals.
This is what the Goof off looked like.
5
Sorry but most of my pictures will be pretty fuzzy for the rest of the post. I couldn’t get the pictures from my phone onto my computer, so I had to take a picture of the picture and then use that instead. PICTURECEPTION!
We were then faced with the dilemma of how to distribute the Goof Off evenly across the entire floor. Eventually, I came up with the great idea of putting all of the Goof Off into a watering can and pouring it onto the floor.
  1
(That is not me. it is “Kenan”)
The Goof off smelled really bad. Have you ever played with this?

(picture from www.flickriver.com)
If you have, then you know that it has a very distinct smell. If you haven't, then just imagine your own very strange smell. Now take that smell and multiply the strength by about 10,000! Now it is so strong that your head fells dizzy, and your throat and nostrils are burning!
The Goof Off did not work very well. The worst part was that you couldn’t stay inside for very long, and each time you went back inside from taking a break, the smell got even worse. Eventually, it got to the point where Josh and I were just standing outside watching Kenan slam a hoe into the ground repeatedly (Yes, still the gardening kind).
Eventually, the smell spread throughout the entire house, so we were exiled to outside. That is where I finally read the can of Goof Off.
Now I will show you the reason why you should always read the warnings on the bottle before you use it.
2
Yes it is sideways. Here is what it says.
The first part is something about it being “EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE” or something, but that doesn’t matter, so I am skipping to the middle.
USE ONLY WITH ADEQUATE VENTILATION TO PREVENT BUILDUP OF VAPORS. Do not use in areas where vapors can accumulate and concentrate such as basements, bathrooms, and small enclosed areas. If using indoors open all windows and doors and maintain a cross ventilation of moving fresh air across the work area. If strong odor is noticed or you experience slight dizziness – STOP – ventilation is inadequate. Leave area immediately. IF THE WORK AREA IS NOT WELL VENTILATED, DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT. A dust mask does not provide protection against vapors.
oops…
Actually, most of that I hadn’t even read before I typed it out. I am a lot more scared now. My only consolation is that Home Depot wouldn’t of saved us if they sold me functional dust masks. Of course they did sell us the item that could potentially kill us, but some may say it is our own fault for not reading the directions first.
Here is the next part.
3
DANGER! HARMFUL OR FATAL IF SWALLOWED. VAPOR HARMFUL. EYE IRRITANT. Contains Acetone and Xylene. Reports have associated repeated and prolonged overexposure to solvents with neurological and other physiological damage. Intentional misuse of this product by deliberately concentrating and inhaling vapors can be harmful or fatal. Avoid contact with eyes and contact with skin. Avoid breathing of vapors or mist and contact with skin, eyes, and clothing. Do not take internally. WARNING: Using this product will expose you to chemicals which are known to the State of California to cause cancer and reproductive harm (it’s a good thing I don’t live in California).
oops…
In case you were wondering, none of us swallowed any of the Goof Off. We are stupid but not that stupid. But that is just about the only rule that we followed…
So the way I figure is this.
Best case scenario: paranoia about every little thing that is wrong with me for the next few days until I forget about all of this. For example, I am really itchy right now, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, my throat feels weird, and I think I can still smell the Goof Off even though I am miles away from Kenan’s house. Maybe I am just imagining all of this, or maybe I am dying soon.
Worst case scenario: physiological damage/no children/Cancer/Death
Uh oh…I just coughed…that can’t be good.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

The “I Don’t Have Wi-Fi and I Really, Really Need It” Cycle


Wi-Fi Rotate Edit 4 (Invert)


A sight no one likes to see. Especially inverted.
…Not that people see it inverted too often. Or really ever. But at that point, you should know that you probably have a few more problems with your computer that are a bit worse than not having Wi-Fi...

This is a view I grew a bit accustomed to one day. (Not inverted, mind you). I went to a park to do some homework in a largely calm, serene area so as to get away from all the chatter and whatnot at school, and from the on-and-off chaos at home. However, when I went to type up the paper due in two days that I was going to work on… I realized I had no idea what it was supposed to be about.

I knew that the information was available on the school’s online portal… but getting there was a different story.

The cycle of attempting to find this information went something like this:

- Cell phone (can’t use the login page)
- Other cell phone browser (can’t use the login page either)
- Wireless cell phone tethering to allow my computer to get online (some junk about “this account” not being set up for that)
- Doing something I normally would avoid: attempting to log on to random Wi-Fi connections in the area (realized I was trying to log on to secured connections)
- Doing something I normally would avoid: attempting to log on to random unsecured Wi-Fi connections in the area (none of them allowed me actual internet access)
- Say “The heck?!” (did not give me access)
- Say “Crud it.”

And thus, my attempt to gain this information while at the park was unsuccessful.
The end. Game over. No happy ending for you.



Jared

























What, you want a happy ending THAT bad?
No. Go get your own.
Pay-per-view. Channel 5. Brandon vs. Comic Sans.
That should be good.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

A long post with very little thought put into it


            I’m going to warn you right now, this post is going to be very long, and quite possibly not all that entertaining, however, I will try to throw humorous phrases and pictures in where possible.
Well, my dad and I recently took a trip to Seattle for a weekend to see Muse in concert. And I have to say, that was one of the best weekends ever. It started off by getting up at 3:30 in the morning to leave for Seattle. For some reason, I was more awake then than whenever I am at school. My theory is that schools have some form of device embedded in the walls that sucks all life and energy from the students. This energy is then sent to China for the production of lead-based paint for all of the toys that we buy our kids here in America. Anyway, the train that I was taking to Seattle (yes those things still exist) was supposed to leave at 4:40; however, it arrived at the station at 6... So after hours of doing nothing, I got on the train and did nothing for a few more hours.

This was my view for the majority of the train ride…
My knees were comfortably smashed against this wall
So I'm sitting on the train, and across the aisle is just one of those people that if you give them an opportunity to talk, you know you are going to get their entire life's story, so I made a very concerted effort not to talk to this person. I was really successful in this endeavor; however, the lady in the seat behind me was not. This person went much further than talking about their life’s story, this person also went into great detail on the lives of their who-knows-how-many children. After a few hours of agonizing torture of listening to this person’s ramblings, they finally got off of the train. It was at this moment I remembered that I had packed my headphones and my iPod. *facepalm* Once I had realized this, the majority of the train ride was uneventful.
So we arrive in Seattle, and we walk down to one of the piers, I don’t really remember which one, but we got lunch. Now if you’ve never eaten at the Crab Pot and you like seafood, I would highly recommend it. They take a ginormous mixing bowl of crab, shrimp, mussels, clams, corn, potatoes, and sausage and just dump the whole thing right in the middle of the table. It was wonderful!
After lunch we walk next door to the aquarium. Why is it that like every seafood restaurant has an aquarium within a block? Anyway, the aquarium was pretty cool, other than the myriad of little children that were there. I think it was a school field trip or something. When we were about to leave the aquarium, and I noticed these people behind us. It’s not that unusual for someone to be behind you, especially in a place like Seattle. However, after walking about 4 blocks with having no idea where we were going, and them still following us, I was becoming a bit unnerved. But once I realized where we were, I was significantly less worried.
We ended up on Pike Street market. Tourist trap like no other. Thankfully we were able to escape the abyss without buying anything. Frankly, I’m just glad I got out of that place alive.
After we were very nearly subjected to buying useless junk, my dad and I walked roughly a mile to our hotel. Nothing really that interesting happened on the way, but I did find this very nice looking shrubbery about a block from our hotel.

            We got to the hotel and dropped off our stuff, and then walked to the Space Needle. Since we had bought this thing called a city pass, we were able to do a whole bunch of stuff in Seattle for a fraction of the cost. And if you call right now, we’ll give you a free book light that will break within the first week, just pay extra processing and handling.
            So after the celebratory elevator ride, I was at the top of the Space Needle. There were a couple of really cool things that I noticed while I was up there. First was this building…

The second was Mount Rainier…

            I really liked how Mount Rainier looked. In my opinion, it looks like a mountain on top of the clouds.

            So after the Space Needle, my dad and I went to the Chihuly exhibit. For those of you who don’t know, Chihuly is an artist that works with glass. He likes to make really big spiky things made out of glass, for example…

            Or naturey like scenes like…

            After about an hour of becoming cultured, my dad and I went to the EMP Museum, courtesy of our city passes (there are still five hundred thousand book lights that were made by the Chinese using the energy harvested from the American Public School System that I need to get rid of…) Anyway, I wasn’t really that impressed with the EMP Museum, or maybe I was just tired, or both. I’m not really sure as I’m pretty tired right now, so forgive me if I’m not making much sense or rambling a bit… adcxs zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Oh, sorry, I fell asleep there for a bit and my face fell on the keyboard.

Afterward, we went back to the hotel for a break before the concert, which turned out to be a really good idea because we were both really tired from walking around Seattle all day.
           
            At about 6:30 it was finally time for the concert. So we went down stairs to catch a taxi to the Key Arena. (We were both still really tired) To my surprise, there was a couple there that was also going to the concert, so we shared a cab and made our way to the arena. We get inside, buy a couple of shirts and a bracelet, and take our seats. About 15 minutes later, the opening act begins. The name of the band was “Band of Skulls” and they weren’t bad, but not particularly my favorite either. And finally after having been awake for 17 hours with 3 hours of sleep the night before, Muse finally took the stage.

Muse has recently come out with a new album which included a couple of dub-step inspired songs, “Follow Me” and “The Second Law: Unsustainable”. Well they opened with “Unsustainable” which was absolutely insane live. If you are interested, you can listen to the song by clicking on the link below.

            My personal favorite song that they performed live was “New Born”, as well as the improvisation afterwards. I’ve also included the link to this song.


            If you ever get the chance to see Muse live, I would highly recommend it. That concert was by far the best one I’ve ever been to, but in all fairness Muse is my favorite band so I’m kind of biased…

            After the concert we walked back to the hotel (yes, more walking) and I practically passed out as soon as I got to the hotel room.

DAY 2
            The day after the concert, I woke up at about 9, and sounded like a frog gargling nails whenever I attempted verbal communication. So I relied on hand gestures to get my ideas across.
            After the continental breakfast, my dad and I went to the Pacific Science Center. I was slightly disappointed in this one as well, but it was still better than what I would normally be doing on a Saturday morning; reading the backs of Raisin Bran boxes and checking my email.


            The Pacific Science Center is a really cool place to explore different fields of natural science, especially if you’re about 10 years old. Oh, and it helps to have the exhibits that you want to do open… However, my dad and I were able to move a 4000 pound ball with relative ease, which was pretty cool. In case you were wondering, no, I’m not a super hero, although my dad might be…

            After the Pacific Science Center, we took the monorail just for the heck of it and then called a cab. We went to some Caribbean restaurant that I cannot for the life of me remember what it was called, but they had some pretty darn good sandwiches.
            After completely stuffing ourselves on sammiches, we went to the Seattle Pinball Museum. Now I know what you are thinking; only geeks play pinball these days. Well, contrary to popular belief, nerds still play pinball too =P. Actually, if you are ever in Seattle, I would highly recommend you check this place out. For a measly $10 entry fee, you can play as much pinball as you want. This Machine here was probably my favorite of the old ones. And Arabian Nights was my favorite of the new ones.
           
            Now, if you have ever met me or my dad, you might have noticed that we are kinda sorta, maybe a little bit competitive… a lot. So we spent a good 3 hours trying to best each other at pinball on the various machines they had available to play on.

            Sadly, this was the last thing that my dad and I did in Seattle. We walked outside, and as my dad was calling for a cab to take us to the train station, he noticed something. From the corner of King and Marbury (I think) he saw what he thought was the station. It wasn’t the station, but the station did end up being right behind the building that he thought was the station. My dad got a pretty good laugh at how ridiculous we would have looked calling a cab to take us 2 or 3 blocks.

            And finally, after taking the most convoluted route possible to actually get to the train station, we get on the train headed home. If you are still reading this, then I commend you on your patience and willingness to read the near thoughtless ramblings that come from my mind whenever I’m in my transient state of mind where trains of thought go to not only be destroyed, but after being destroyed, scrapped for parts, then built into new trains and then violently smashed again in a never ending cycle of a train lovers nightmare.

            All that’s left to say, I had a pretty nice time on the way home from Seattle. My dad and I both had steak on the dining car, and I rocked out to Muse the rest of the way home. And that’s how my weekend went. I’m done. Probably…


















Now I’m done =P

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A Letter to our Fans

 http://www.2dayblog.com/2012/09/20/so-many-fans/

 Us authors at the Dramatic Picnic Table care mightily for our fan base. We are intent on not letting our recent jump out on the big stage hinder the communication with our lojal fans that have been with us from the humble beginnings; we are mere mortals (at least most of us), and we know our success is dependent on you all. To show our appreciation, and to connect ever tighter with the most awesome group of people...

...What's that? I can't make such claims? "Excessive hyperbole," you say? Well, okay then, trying again.

...to connect ever tighter with you, a group of people that would surely rank in the top 100 of social groupings of people in the past few decades if such rankings existed.. That just doesn't flow well. Alright, words aren't on my side today. You're cool, is what I'm saying. And for you, we created a Facebook page. Feel free to like, comment, share, tweet, eat, sit on or otherwise interact with it. Because we're totally not letting our fame go to our heads.

Like, seriously.

Oh, and for the record, I love gingers, no matter what certain other individuals may claim.

Mysteries of the Unknown

You know when you go for a walk down a gravel road? You may be walking a dog, or speed-walking your way to the Olympics, or maybe you just want to enjoy the fresh air and the birds singing in the trees, when suddenly, you realize that there’s a rock in your shoe? How the heck does that even happen? I decided to delve deep within my mind to come up with a couple probable explanations for this natural (or unnatural) phenomenon.

Possibility 1

Billions of years ago, a race of tiny alien gnomes invaded earth. A few years passed and our ancestors saw that the gnomes nearly covered the entire world.(It helps that the average female gnome gives birth to about 40 gnome babies every month). Our ancestors became worried that these gnomes would become too powerful, so they attacked, and killed millions. The gnomes had no choice but to surrender. Our ancestors then banished the survivors to live underground. Little do we know that most of the outer layer of the earth’s crust is now inhabited by these gnomes’ descendants.

blog earth

And there they live, slowly claiming their revenge one tiny rock at a time.

gnomes

Possibility 2

Rocks are actually just magical creatures in disguise. These creatures have the ability to know exactly when anything is looking at them, and they can only take their true form when no one is looking. Obviously there is no way that I could know exactly what these “rock creatures” would look like…perhaps something majestic?

majestic

(picture from www.teamjimmyjoe.com)

No…probably not…

Most likely, these magical rock creatures would be horrifying. I am not talking about something just a little bit scary like “the expressionless”. No, I am talking about something extremely terrifying, something that should be outlawed to even talk about, something that would cause your eyes to burn right out of their sockets if you were to even catch a glimpse of one in real life. Yes I am talking about…

…Gingers with Afros!

gingers

Oh the humanity!

Disclaimer: No one here at the Dramatic Picnic Table has anything against gingers (except for maybe Thor) regardless of whether they have souls or not. This was posted purely for comedic reasons.

But seriously, gingers should never have afros.

Anyway, back to the rocks in the shoes thing…

The magical gingers with afros are unfortunately extremely territorial. When we trespass on their property they climb into our shoes and relentlessly attack. Later when we check our shoes, all we see are small rocks.

So there you have it, the most probable explanations for why we get rocks in our shoes. Feel free to adopt my ideas, or come up with your own (even though mine are probably better).

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Life with Falcons

I don’t particularly care for birds. Especially the stupid ones that run into the windows of my house. Unless they have a nice song, or look like a serious bird-of-prey, then I’m pretty indifferent. But Falcons. Man. If we all had falcons, life would be great. I think of a time, long gone by, when it was much more commonplace for a person to go into Falconry.
Falconry was everywhere. From England to Japan. While Falconry was mainly used for hunting smaller game, I’m sure that nowadays, we would have plenty of use for falcons in everyday life.

Like what if there was a zombie apocalypse? You could survive for a while off of the game your bird collects. Suppose the neighbor’s small dog keeps leaving presents in your lawn. I’m sure that the dog would learn to stop if it was dropped from a variable height every time it strolled by. 

مقناص_بن_سويف
http://www.flickr.com/photos/4444/6690163401/

(Leonidas Bird will find you)

Maybe the power goes down in your city and your friend is going to ask the girl you like out on a date via messenger pigeon. Send your bird high in the sky and intercept that letter! I’m sure you could use a laser pointer and train your hawk to send messages for you. Best way to send a Valentines too.
Falconry is cool for hunting or shows, but imagine if we had birds fighting along side dog and man. I’m sure that within a few years, the genius nuts at DARPA would give that hawk some sick gadgets. The Falcon-guy would be the elite warrior of every squad.

Red-shouldered-Hawk
 http://birdsflight.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Red-shouldered-Hawk.jpg

PEWPEW! PEWPEWPEW!

Unfortunately, falconry is not as common as it should be. I think that would make a great club for school. Or just a really cool local organization.
But one drawback to a society with more falconers, is that you’d see a hecka lot more of this guy:


 http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/images/hidden05/hidden05.jpg

As if we need more middle-aged men, COMPLETELY obsessed with Falcons.
(And what the heck is he wearing?  A peacoat-spandex-onesie?)
But he did bring us this…