A Public Service Announcement

     Well, I was bored the other day, so I decided to clean out my backpack. Inside I found a really awesome thing called a dual diffraction grating. Basically it breaks normal light out into it's different components, or the spectrum of light. The resulting image of looking through the grating at light is pretty awesome. For example, this is a picture of our Christmas tree.

And this is the tree looking through the diffraction grating

     So I showed this to my dad and he said it reminded him a bit of those old Public Service announcements. They all followed the same format. It would show a picture of something, say this is your brain. Then it would do something to said object and say it was your brain on drugs. Don't do drugs. The example he used was an egg. The Public Service announcement showed the egg and said it was your brain. Next it showed scrambled eggs, and say it was your brain of drugs, don't do drugs.

So this is your brain

This is your brain on drugs

Doesn't the second one look like a lot more fun? But seriously don't do drugs...

Nice To Meat You

Hey there humans! (I'm assuming that's what you are if you're reading this...)

Anyway, I was thinking. Meat is great. I definitely could not live without it. I don't think anyone could, seeing as we're all made of meat. There's some other stuff in there, like souls and emotions and useless things like that, but meat is definitely what holds us together. It's our foundation. In fact, it should be utilized in our language more. There are plenty of instances where using "meat" in our daily language would be perfectly prudent.

                               (Found this on the Internet^)

Or, instead of saying "I'm hot", you could say "I'm bacon". Much better, I know. Genius even. Get it? You're not really "bacon", you're "baking"...

Don't make fun of me. You were thinking the same thing. The other day....

Well anyway, why don't we talk about our favorite types of meat. There's ham, steak, bacon, lunch meat, turkey, salami, bologna (BULLOGNA), aaaaaand probably some other types. My favorite?
Oh that's easy. My favorite meat is... dead meat.
 I look at cows, peacefully grazing in the pasture, mouths full of mushy chewed grass. The sun sets behind them in a brilliant blaze of oranges and soft pink hues, the fading light glints off the cows and their big, brown eyes.*Congratulations, if you are the first one reading this, that means you win! To get the songs, send me an email to dramaticpicnictable@gmail.com and I will send you the two songs! (In order to gift the songs, I have to have an email address, I promise we won't spam you with a whole bunch of emails)  A normal person may appreciate the beauty of such a moment, but since I'm basically an immortal lizard man with an abysmal black hole for a heart, all I see is a big, fat blob of meat. Meat with legs is all cows are. I would draw you all a lovely picture of this scene...
If I actually cared about any of you, that is.

Actually, that brings up a good point... If our world and society was based upon MEAT... I may not be able to contain myself. I may find myself attacking and subsequently trying to eat any poor innocent sap who comes across my path. And that would not be good... (I've heard it's unhealthy for humans to eat human flesh). My health could be in question!

You're right, this is a bad idea. I really don't know why I would ever think of such a thing! But, of course, we all make mistakes.

We're all meat, right?

Words I hate Volume 1

There are some words I hate. I don’t always know why I hate them. I don’t know if this will actually be a continuous series. But I will keep you informed as more words I hate come up. So I guess that kind of makes it a series…I just don’t know how well I will fulfill this, so don’t take it as a promise, but more of a threat.

This episode’s word (only one this time…I think most will only have one word) is ‘rural’. 

When I realized I hate this word: At a lovely dinner date. (Sadie’s)

Why I hate this word: I guess I tried to use it in a sentence (I know, my vocabulary is quite advanced) and my mouth could not make that word sound right. That is why I hate it. It never sounds right. Quite a few people on the dinner date also tried to say ‘rural’. Still, it always sounds off. Like you are Scooby-doo, gargling marbles, or just special.

There are some words that you can own. They just snap off of the tongue, and you sound confident and authoritative. Like the word ‘rustic’. Upon hearing that word, I immediately picture a golden field with a cottage in Northern Italy. Mountains are in the distance with grape vines flowing down their sides. The ‘rus’ at the beginning is quickly deployed, and beautifully complimented by the ‘tic’ sound. the ‘tic’ is sharp and somewhat aggressive, yet the word is so passive in meaning.
There is a reason I picked the word ‘rustic’. Apparently, originally, ‘rustic’ and ‘rural’ actually had the SAME FREAKING MEANING. How did such opposites mean the same thing once? 

‘Rural’ probably was dropped as a child. Then picked apart by crabs.


It’s even in comic sans…

Just go ahead and say ‘rural’ a few times. While you are at it, go ahead and say ‘whirl’. Those words do not look that much alike. But they sound pretty close to me. My quarrel (see what I did there?) is not with the latter word. It is with ‘rural’. I don’t think many people can make that word sound right.


And I know I put the punctuation outside of the quotation marks (Personal preference).

I Can’t Type Correctly ‘Cuz I’ve Got Blisters on My Fingers

Was listening to Metroid Prime’s soundtrack earlier today, and noticed something interesting…

This just took “bigger than Jesus” to a whole new level.

Now, it’s not listed this way on the actual tracklist for the soundtrack. Which is probably a good thing.
But apparently on my copy, somebody messed something up…

What happens when I get up before noon on Saturdays...

     It's not very often that I have to wake up before noon on Saturdays, but when I woke up this morning I decided to check my email. I saw an email from Zen Magnets as I ordered some magnets from them yesterday, and I wanted to know about how long it would be before they arrived. It turns out they should be here next week (yay!) however, I also found this included in the email, and for this Zen Magnets will have my eternal respect (not that they didn't already)...

     "After a rigorous 4 step process of verifying the quality and consistency of each and every magnet, we donned silk gloves and placed it into a sacred padded envelope made of magic and lined with Unicorn fur, sealed the envelope with an adhesive made from strands of Gypsy hair, and wrapped the whole thing in a snazzy looking faux gold leaf paper, with elm leaf inlay from Costco. Unfortunately, by the time it gets to you, all of that fancy stuff will likely have been picked clean by the greedy postal service employees. Please don't be surprised to see just a plain padded envelope."


     After laughing at that for a few minutes, I went upstairs to eat some breakfast. I poured myself a bowl of Raisin Bran because I am a boring person who likes Raisin Bran. However on the back of this particular cereal box, they were advertising for the new version of Raisin Bran; they decided to add cinnamon and almonds to it. But their advertising just made me laugh, it said, "We've got cinnamon by the spoonful". Now I don't know what the advertising people at Kellogg were thinking, but a spoonful of cinnamon is not exactly what I'd call tasty. As a matter of fact, it's pretty much impossible to eat a spoonful of cinnamon. However, I still got a few laughs out of this one, and thankfully no milk or cereal exited my body through my nose. Sadly, this happens to me quite a bit, especially if Brandon is around...

    Thank you Zen Magnets and Raisin Bran for making my morning enjoyable.

My Grandpa Survived the Hunger Games

Yeah. So. The other day, I was talking to my grandpa. He was telling me about his years in school. Mostly his Junior and Senior years. Apparently, his school had the Hunger Games. Just kidding. But it sounds pretty brutal to me. Some schools do special end of the year things. His did the Junior vs Senior Games (I don’t know the actual title, but it sounds good to me). The whole school is let out early for these events that pit the Juniors against the Seniors. To get an idea of the circumstances, he told me that when a Junior went to the movies, he had to take half of the Junior class for protection. Otherwise the seniors would beat them up. Harsh. No wonder we are weak today! Now we take our cell phones and iPods while our elders took their knives!

You head for the hills when they come out with their Nokias.
Anyway, he gave me a few examples of games they played. First off: Tug o’ War. Nothing sounds off about that, right? Just rival classes having some good ol’ fashioned fun? Wrong. This wasn’t any old kind of tug o’ war. Instead of just having a middle line to cross, they had the fire department there spraying water from a hose at high pressure. Being pulled to the middle was essentially torture. He told me of the time when he was a senior, they pulled a junior into the sights of the hose and just held him there. Eventually, that Junior switched sides to pull another junior in: Traitor!
Another wonderful SCHOOL SANCTIONED game was Bridge Crossing. Take a look at the wonderful picture.

The goal was to climb up one pole, shimmy across the middle, then go down the other pole to get to the other side. Oh. And there was a senior starting from one side, and a junior starting from the other side. Yup. That means only one can be the winner. They each got a small burlap sack filled with saw-dust to knock the other person off of the pole. I’d like to think that there was just dirt, grass, maybe even a pad under the pole, but knowing how things went back then, it was probably spikes.
Finally, they had something that more closely resembled the Hunger Games. There was just a ring drawn out with saw-dust filled sacks, and the contestants were in the ring, and the last one standing wins! He said there was 10-15 people in the ring. They could wrestle them out, no punching (though my grandpa said that most people just wanted to duke it out), and they had (you guessed it) sacks with sawdust to beat each other with.
He gave a great tale of how he lasted as long as he could in there (as a junior) but to no avail.
From this I learned that my grandpa was a victor, that schools back then were pretty cool, and that there must have been a surplus of sawdust. Ask your grandparents about any of their school stories!

How to Build a Picnic Table

(In a discussion where The Zelda Email Blog was mentioned)

A dramatic one, that is.
And thus, it begins!