Wednesday, February 6, 2013
A long post with very little thought put into it
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
A Letter to our Fans
...What's that? I can't make such claims? "Excessive hyperbole," you say? Well, okay then, trying again.
...to connect ever tighter with you, a group of people that would surely rank in the top 100 of social groupings of people in the past few decades if such rankings existed.. That just doesn't flow well. Alright, words aren't on my side today. You're cool, is what I'm saying. And for you, we created a Facebook page. Feel free to like, comment, share, tweet, eat, sit on or otherwise interact with it. Because we're totally not letting our fame go to our heads.
Like, seriously.
Oh, and for the record, I love gingers, no matter what certain other individuals may claim.
Mysteries of the Unknown
You know when you go for a walk down a gravel road? You may be walking a dog, or speed-walking your way to the Olympics, or maybe you just want to enjoy the fresh air and the birds singing in the trees, when suddenly, you realize that there’s a rock in your shoe? How the heck does that even happen? I decided to delve deep within my mind to come up with a couple probable explanations for this natural (or unnatural) phenomenon.
Possibility 1
Billions of years ago, a race of tiny alien gnomes invaded earth. A few years passed and our ancestors saw that the gnomes nearly covered the entire world.(It helps that the average female gnome gives birth to about 40 gnome babies every month). Our ancestors became worried that these gnomes would become too powerful, so they attacked, and killed millions. The gnomes had no choice but to surrender. Our ancestors then banished the survivors to live underground. Little do we know that most of the outer layer of the earth’s crust is now inhabited by these gnomes’ descendants.
And there they live, slowly claiming their revenge one tiny rock at a time.
Possibility 2
Rocks are actually just magical creatures in disguise. These creatures have the ability to know exactly when anything is looking at them, and they can only take their true form when no one is looking. Obviously there is no way that I could know exactly what these “rock creatures” would look like…perhaps something majestic?
(picture from www.teamjimmyjoe.com)
No…probably not…
Most likely, these magical rock creatures would be horrifying. I am not talking about something just a little bit scary like “the expressionless”. No, I am talking about something extremely terrifying, something that should be outlawed to even talk about, something that would cause your eyes to burn right out of their sockets if you were to even catch a glimpse of one in real life. Yes I am talking about…
…Gingers with Afros!
Oh the humanity!
Disclaimer: No one here at the Dramatic Picnic Table has anything against gingers (except for maybe Thor) regardless of whether they have souls or not. This was posted purely for comedic reasons.
But seriously, gingers should never have afros.
Anyway, back to the rocks in the shoes thing…
The magical gingers with afros are unfortunately extremely territorial. When we trespass on their property they climb into our shoes and relentlessly attack. Later when we check our shoes, all we see are small rocks.
So there you have it, the most probable explanations for why we get rocks in our shoes. Feel free to adopt my ideas, or come up with your own (even though mine are probably better).
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Life with Falcons
Falconry was everywhere. From England to Japan. While Falconry was mainly used for hunting smaller game, I’m sure that nowadays, we would have plenty of use for falcons in everyday life.
Like what if there was a zombie apocalypse? You could survive for a while off of the game your bird collects. Suppose the neighbor’s small dog keeps leaving presents in your lawn. I’m sure that the dog would learn to stop if it was dropped from a variable height every time it strolled by.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/4444/6690163401/
(Leonidas Bird will find you)
Maybe the power goes down in your city and your friend is going to ask the girl you like out on a date via messenger pigeon. Send your bird high in the sky and intercept that letter! I’m sure you could use a laser pointer and train your hawk to send messages for you. Best way to send a Valentines too.
Falconry is cool for hunting or shows, but imagine if we had birds fighting along side dog and man. I’m sure that within a few years, the genius nuts at DARPA would give that hawk some sick gadgets. The Falcon-guy would be the elite warrior of every squad.
http://birdsflight.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Red-shouldered-Hawk.jpg
PEWPEW! PEWPEWPEW!
Unfortunately, falconry is not as common as it should be. I think that would make a great club for school. Or just a really cool local organization.
But one drawback to a society with more falconers, is that you’d see a hecka lot more of this guy:
http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/images/hidden05/hidden05.jpg
As if we need more middle-aged men, COMPLETELY obsessed with Falcons.
(And what the heck is he wearing? A peacoat-spandex-onesie?)
But he did bring us this…
Sunday, December 23, 2012
A Public Service Announcement
And this is the tree looking through the diffraction grating
So I showed this to my dad and he said it reminded him a bit of those old Public Service announcements. They all followed the same format. It would show a picture of something, say this is your brain. Then it would do something to said object and say it was your brain on drugs. Don't do drugs. The example he used was an egg. The Public Service announcement showed the egg and said it was your brain. Next it showed scrambled eggs, and say it was your brain of drugs, don't do drugs.
So this is your brain
This is your brain on drugs
Doesn't the second one look like a lot more fun? But seriously don't do drugs...
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Nice To Meat You
Anyway, I was thinking. Meat is great. I definitely could not live without it. I don't think anyone could, seeing as we're all made of meat. There's some other stuff in there, like souls and emotions and useless things like that, but meat is definitely what holds us together. It's our foundation. In fact, it should be utilized in our language more. There are plenty of instances where using "meat" in our daily language would be perfectly prudent.
(Found this on the Internet^)
Or, instead of saying "I'm hot", you could say "I'm bacon". Much better, I know. Genius even. Get it? You're not really "bacon", you're "baking"...
Don't make fun of me. You were thinking the same thing. The other day....
Well anyway, why don't we talk about our favorite types of meat. There's ham, steak, bacon, lunch meat, turkey, salami, bologna (BULLOGNA), aaaaaand probably some other types. My favorite?
Oh that's easy. My favorite meat is... dead meat.
I look at cows, peacefully grazing in the pasture, mouths full of mushy chewed grass. The sun sets behind them in a brilliant blaze of oranges and soft pink hues, the fading light glints off the cows and their big, brown eyes.*Congratulations, if you are the first one reading this, that means you win! To get the songs, send me an email to dramaticpicnictable@gmail.com and I will send you the two songs! (In order to gift the songs, I have to have an email address, I promise we won't spam you with a whole bunch of emails) A normal person may appreciate the beauty of such a moment, but since I'm basically an immortal lizard man with an abysmal black hole for a heart, all I see is a big, fat blob of meat. Meat with legs is all cows are. I would draw you all a lovely picture of this scene...
If I actually cared about any of you, that is.
Actually, that brings up a good point... If our world and society was based upon MEAT... I may not be able to contain myself. I may find myself attacking and subsequently trying to eat any poor innocent sap who comes across my path. And that would not be good... (I've heard it's unhealthy for humans to eat human flesh). My health could be in question!
You're right, this is a bad idea. I really don't know why I would ever think of such a thing! But, of course, we all make mistakes.
We're all meat, right?
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Words I hate Volume 1
This episode’s word (only one this time…I think most will only have one word) is ‘rural’.
When I realized I hate this word: At a lovely dinner date. (Sadie’s)
Why I hate this word: I guess I tried to use it in a sentence (I know, my vocabulary is quite advanced) and my mouth could not make that word sound right. That is why I hate it. It never sounds right. Quite a few people on the dinner date also tried to say ‘rural’. Still, it always sounds off. Like you are Scooby-doo, gargling marbles, or just special.
There are some words that you can own. They just snap off of the tongue, and you sound confident and authoritative. Like the word ‘rustic’. Upon hearing that word, I immediately picture a golden field with a cottage in Northern Italy. Mountains are in the distance with grape vines flowing down their sides. The ‘rus’ at the beginning is quickly deployed, and beautifully complimented by the ‘tic’ sound. the ‘tic’ is sharp and somewhat aggressive, yet the word is so passive in meaning.
There is a reason I picked the word ‘rustic’. Apparently, originally, ‘rustic’ and ‘rural’ actually had the SAME FREAKING MEANING. How did such opposites mean the same thing once?
‘Rural’ probably was dropped as a child. Then picked apart by crabs.
It’s even in comic sans…
Just go ahead and say ‘rural’ a few times. While you are at it, go ahead and say ‘whirl’. Those words do not look that much alike. But they sound pretty close to me. My quarrel (see what I did there?) is not with the latter word. It is with ‘rural’. I don’t think many people can make that word sound right.
And I know I put the punctuation outside of the quotation marks (Personal preference).








